Intuitive Home Birth & Hospital Delivery

I had always dreamed about home birth, more accurately birth in the forest.
Just the idea of walking off and birthing on my own gave me peace and calmness in my mind.
I guess births rarely go as planned and neither does the pregnancy.

Mari walking in the forest

My pregnancy was as smooth sailing as it could get, I never vomited or was sick. I was happy, so happy, and silly that many times I managed to piss myself while laughing at most trivial jokes. And I tell you, my own jokes were the best!
My skin was really good, no allergies, I could eat whatever I wanted, hair was thick and growing fast.

38 weeks
Toward the end of my pregnancy, I started to feel the weight of my body, I had gained 11 kg and I could feel it. But resting was just not an option. For sure it may have had some benefits, but busy minds will not find happiness while lying down.
So came and went hay-making time.
I was so sure he would come early.
The calendar showed times and dates of the past, I was holding my breath, hoping he would come on his own time, and not on times of memories.

40 weeks
Hanna had arrived from Germany, with the camera on hand, ready to shoot.
We had talked about the concept, but no pictures while in labor, just nice forest shots.
While baby was dragging his feet, I was as active as ever, long walks meant 15km tours, sure I was slower than usual, but keeping the engine running was helping me somewhat relax.
Braxton Hix came and hovered over me, I was hoping this was it!
But no, I went on hikes letting Götz know about the route and making sure I had my phone on me.
I heard them joking that, yeah, she will return with the baby. Yes, if that would have been a trip to Stockholm and back, on foot.

41 weeks
You might spend all of your happy pregnancy in a sort of bubble, but once the 40 weeks of wait is over, all eyes are on you.
Your phone will start buzzing up with messages of congratulations, questions, and then more questions. Even if you turn off the device and will not answer, you still feel it.
I myself could still feel it. An uneasy feeling on being observed, nervousness, and doubt will sneak in as it will not be a surprise baby at all, not in my lonesome, not in my quiet, but “c’mon, how long do we have to wait now” baby?
I did not want stress to take hold of me, because stress is just a foreplay for depression. And I could not let darkness gobble me down.
But darkness has a few tricks up its sleeve as well.
My comfortable birth corner suddenly made me upset, all the nice things I had laid here and there made me furious.
What was I thinking? I wanted to rip everything off, I wanted to demolish something, and this unnatural bliss that I had created made me sick to my stomach.
I took everything down, I cleared off the corner, my shrine, tokens, and bands. I felt hollow.
That evening I got angry, and I remember it so clearly because I have never been that angry in my entire life.
I was so furious that even my dreams were angry.
It was a disappointment. Not toward him, I was never upset with him, but with my body. As if it is here to not do its job again.

Götz went to work the next day, I was home alone with my pissiness and I bubbled.
At 10 am I decided it was time to take the ricinus oil. We had talked about it before and left it as a last option.
Then I got a message from Anna to take the oil in the evening. But well, too late.
I made myself comfortable in bed, put on a relaxing ”end of the world” movie, and started knitting.
I fell asleep every now and then.
The mood was gloomy, but somehow normal.
As the clock turned 3 in the afternoon my water broke.

The birth
ready, set…. Go?
I sent messages to Anna and Götz, birth has started, has it?
Contractions were random, so nothing in a rush.
Was it Monday? Hard to tell, maybe.
The rest of the day was foggy but before midnight we decided to call Anna.
to be honest, from that moment on I hardly remember making any kind of decisions, more like agreeing.
Anna arrived, birth was happening, and nothing was happening.
Contractions took hold of me and I let them. I had no fear, no anger.
The buzz of birth had me and I went for a ride.
No appetite, no sleep, and no recollection of time and day.
Curtains stayed shut and maintained the feeling of time being stopped.
As of now, I don’t remember any pain, but I remember trying to throw in some quirky remarks in between, jokes even.
Laying down was bad, but tempting since it provided some sort of rest.
Most of the time I was on the floor, resting my arms on the bed.

I guess things took a turn to more intense, I was holding on to Götz and letting my body into the unknown.
Roars, loud voices from the bottom of the soul that needed to surface.
loudness that I was unable to hear myself, but the beat of it vibrated threw my soul.
The baby was moving. But really slowly, intensely but with a good, strong heartbeat.
Anna told me that his heartbeat was good and was keeping me on track, all is well, just keep pushing.

I could tell it had been some time, Anna was sleeping on the floor next to the bed, and Götz was sleeping on a bed.
More contractions, hour after hour, I was hugging my acupressure mat, it felt really nice.
As it felt getting more intense I could reach in and feel his little hair.
Happiness, he is on his way!
Hours passed into days, and I felt no hunger, the excitement of the unknown was too big.
All I wanted to eat were ice cubes, they were pleasant to crunch and cooled me down.
Even tho I felt like I had enough power in me, my body had a different idea. It wanted to rest and take a break from all that pressing.
Was it nighttime again? All three of us slept zigzagged on the bed. I guess it was a short nap.

At some point, I heard them talking about what’s next. My contractions were slowing down.
I managed to walk downstairs and into the bath, hoping this would get the contractions going again. But no, my body had had it!
But it was nice to be in the water for a change.
Somewhere the decision was made that this was it now, it had been 36 hours, time to go to the hospital since things were not moving on.

Delivery:
When plans had taken a turn it was a go.
It was 3 clock in the night.
I crawled out of the tub, Anna patted me down, and since I was in some sort of a cloud and could not function properly.
I guess nobody expected me to go upstairs to pack my suitcase or whatever. So Götz and Anna took some things for me, as well as clothes to go.
So I had a shirt, skirt, and Birkenstocks, that’s it. And something for a baby to go home in. And toothbrush and paste. And that’s really it.

The car ride was truly special, although things were slow, I could feel the baby trying to get out. So the contractions kept on coming over the 80km span.
And oddly enough they came as 3, the small Teaser ( are you ready?), the rally Nasty One (Rip me open will ya) and the Reminder ( Will be back, wink wink)
I clenched onto Anna in the back seat while Götz struggled to drive.

Getting to the hospital was not so easy, thanks to the homework none of us bothered to do. The hospital in Örebro is a large nonsense kind of a web,
with nonstop ongoing constructions.
Luckily I remembered Götz mentioning a dodgy ally door as we passed it a year before saying: this is where we come if you give birth.
Plan to get out of the car and into the hospital without contractions did not happen, I spasmed just when I got outside and then again in the elevator.
Just get there already!
I had no fear, just dull acceptance, and my trusty support. Nothing else mattered.

I was hooked up to some monitors and was given Oxitocin to get the labor properly going and on the call midwife was excited to finally get some work I guess.
Then things took a really busy turn, there was no relaxing anymore, there was a spotlight and me who had to deliver the baby now!
I heard Götz and Anna telling me things, I barely opened my eyes, it was just a work now.

The midwife was rough and I could feel her, but there was no time anymore. Baby did not want to move so I had to work for the 2 of us.
When I finally had pushed his head out she told me not to push now, someone was coming to take a look. Did I remember it correctly? Well someone came alright,
but I really felt an urge to push. What happened next was so fast, schwung, he was out and on my belly. And the answer was here, he had his hand under his chin, wrapped in a cord, hence he could not turn and birth himself.

I know you!
All this time I was wondering how he looked, his features and his face, but as soon as I saw him I knew as if I had known him my entire life, this was him.
I saw Götz cry, my heart was moving, and behind my heart a new one, a shadow heart appeared and was filled with new love, love that was only for him.

For the love of me, I am thankful to have had a chance for this, for a chance you guys around me,
never in my life, I would have wanted to do this without you.
The help I got was unmatched, you hold the strength for me.

Thank you Götz, Anna and Hanna